New Age New Rules
by Ways
Summary: Following the events of The Lost Fable, Qrow decides to have an important conversation with Ozpin. Oneshot.


**So I wrote this right after I watched The Lost Fable and forgot about it for months but better late than never I suppose. It should be noted that this fic is dumb fun, a parody and does not reflect my own views towards the world, the show or the characters it's just a parody.  
Without further ado, enjoy.**

**New Age, New Rules**

"Ozpin, please. Sit down. Or should I call you Ozma now? All of this is kinda confusing."

"Ozpin is fine, thank you." He assured him. The immortal was the one in control now after Qrow had insisted that their talk was to be of the utmost importance.

Qrow took a deep look into his eyes and let out a low sigh. "Listen, Oz. About your little tragic backstory, I don't blame you or hate you or anything. After all, I've had my fair share of crazy exes."

Ozpin couldn't help but smile. "Thank you, Qrow. You have no idea how much that means to me."

"Don't worry about it." He paused. "Still, this all could've been avoided."

"What do you mean?"

"Well…" He paused, trying to figure out how to word this. "Dating may have been different in your day, but there are new techniques we've put in place... these days to make sure stuff like this doesn't happen."

"I don't quite understand."

"Just stay with me, Oz."

"Okay…"

"Have you ever heard the term nut and go before?"

"No…?"

"What about rock her box and change the locks?"

"I don't follow?"

"Ejaculate and evacuate?"

"I- what?"

From within his mind, a furiously blushing Oscar yelled at him. "He's talking about sex!"

Ozpin looked confused.

"What's wrong?" Qrow asked.

"Young Master Pine believes you are speaking of sexual intercourse. But that couldn't possibly be what you're-"

"One, I told that kid to cover his ears, two that's exactly what I'm talking about, Oz."

He gave a quizzical look at that. "Oh."

Qrow nodded. "Yeah, I know. It's awkward considering our relationship, the fact that the kid probably isn't covering his ears and well… everything else."

"Indeed."

"But I think it's important that you know if you ever decide to do the dance again."

"Dancing? I can assure you that over my many life times I have become quite light on my feet. Why, after the Great War, I was known as both The King of Remnant and The King of the Dance Floor."

"We're not talking about dancing!"

"Oh right. Intercourse."

"Yes. Sex." Qrow stated. "Look, all I'm saying is things have changed and it's important you know so you don't cause another Salem."

Ozpin put his hand to his chin in thought before nodding. "Very well. What advice do you have?"

"For one, all of that chivalrous crap you learned back in the old days…"

"Yes?"

"Forget it. Nobody likes that sort of things these days. What they want is a rebel like well… me."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah. These days it's about showing them whose boss."

"Well… That's odd. I was under the impression that it was the man who showed the most care and compassion that won the hearts of many, not the one who had the biggest sword."

"Yeah, well things change."

"What else?"

"Well should you actually find yourself in bed with someone remember to always use protection. And even if you do got it, make sure your pull out game is strong. I recommend practicing with a pair of pillows, but maybe when the kid's a little older."

"Pull out?"

"Oh yeah. When you're about to let it go, you've gotta get out of there. Can't risk having kids."

"But children are a blessing from the gods!"

"You throw them off cliffs for initiation."

"Touché."

"But now the hardest part, it's the leaving."

"Leaving?"

"Oh yeah." Qrow nodded. "Now, you're a little familiar with this one, but after two failed attempts it's time someone with experience taught you how it's done."

"Two failed attempts? I never tried to leave Salem?"

"Bu you did, Oz."

"When?"

"Well… the first time was when you got sick and died. Even if that's not my usual method, it's an effective one. Too bad Salem's on another level of crazy."

"But I didn't try to leave her. Nature took its course."

Qrow chuckled. "Sure, Oz. Whatever you say."

Ozpin pursed his lips together in frustration but said nothing.

"The second time was when you tried to leave with the kids. Now that's a classic, but there are several things you did wrong."

"Like what?"

"For one, taking the kids, they're too slow and loud."

"I was saving their lives!"

"You could've come back for them."

"But that's besides the point. The second part was that it was too early. What was that, midnight? Everybody knows you've gotta leave at least at 2AM so you know they won't wake up."

"You know what, what if I just agree to never date again?"

"But I haven't even told about the fine art of giving them Ironwood's number instead of yours!"

But his eyes flashed leaving Oscar in his place. "He's gone. He doesn't wanna talk to you."

Qrow just shook his head. "Fine, we'll let the next generation to deal with another Salem."


End file.
